I don’t believe that safewords are optional. I don’t believe negotiation (pre and post) are not necessary in sOmE caSeS. I don’t believe doms don’t need aftercare. I don’t believe consent is “universally given” when entering a d/s relationship.
I do believe that BDSM etiquette and safety procedure follow certain rules for a reason. Anything that violates those rules leaves room for abuse and psychological or physical, long-lasting damage, and therefore those rules are the very basis of anything kink-related.
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Thank you for this impressively confident recitation of accepted tribal wisdom straight out of Farmer Iggy’s BDSM Almanac. (P.S. April showers bring May flowers.) I’m sure no one would have found this perspective represented anywhere online without your help, so good for you!
As for me:
- I don’t get in a car without putting on my seatbelt. But sometimes I take it off in the middle of the ride. Unless I’m riding in the back seat, where I never wear one at all. Because almost everything is optional and situational for adults in the real world. Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is peddling bullshit in the shape of their own insecurities.
- Eschewing a safeword is silly. I mean, every couple I’ve ever known have had signals they used to indicate when it was time to change the subject, or leave the party. What’s the big fucking deal about a signal that says “my shoulder is about to dislocate”? If your dominance can be undermined by a heads-up, you’ve got more than one problem.
- We’ve already talked about how the real world doesn’t run on absolutes, so let’s put aside the “some cases” fluff, and focus on the value of “negotiation”. If by this you mean “two parties coming to a mutual understanding of their respective needs and the means to sate them”, cool. And if by “pre” and “post” you mean “people should talk before and after they fuck”, again, cool. I kinda get the feeling you mean something else, though, in which case… good luck with that, champ.
- People need whatever they need. If some dom says “I need aftercare”, then they need aftercare. Do you feel like shit ‘cause you split her lip? Tell her, and give her a chance to make you feel as good about it as she does. This is another non-issue, argued about primarily by people who have never been in a position to need the thing they are embracing/rejecting.
- I’m not sure what you’re decrying here. Are there people seriously arguing that something as broad and amorphous and increasingly mundane as a “d/s relationship” should come from the factory with consent set to “always on”? That sounds as dumb as Tesla shipping cars with autopilot set to “on” by defau— wow, okay, that could happen.
- Yes the beliefs you embrace have been perpetuated for reasons, and those reasons were (a) making kink safe for random hookups in leather bars in the ’70s, and (b) adapting kink to the demands of third-wave feminism in the ’90s. Both reasons are noble, and when interpreted broadly, the means to those ends are still relevant today.
- But they are not rules. They have never been rules. They will never be rules. They are glossy takes on complicated subjects —y’know, like “thou shalt not steal”— and a safe/comfortable default condition for the clueless, which will mostly keep them out of trouble. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.