I feel truth in all the genuine feelings and things. I just want to be nothing so badly, but I don’t want to die. For once in my life I feel really happy but I just want to be nothing. I feel like I can achieve this through my devotion. I want to serve a great man. I want to make his life easy. One word or one look and I would understand. His world view would be mine, and I would be exactly what he wants and needs whenever he does. I need him to define the purpose of life from his desires. Am I just looking for an easy way out of existentialism?
I have always loved suffering from the time I was 6. I wanted to be hurt so someone else could be happy. I felt happy from it. Empty but happy.
I am really academically and socially smart. I have always been more mature than everyone I know. I take really amazing care of myself and I don’t do anything wrong except come on social media once in a while. I only eat clean foods and don’t swear. I’m still a virgin too.
But I feel so empty and confused and ashamed.
I’m glad you don’t want to die. I find living people to be better conversationalists. Also, less smelly.
Wanting to serve a great man is a fine thing, but it gets complicated once you stop dreaming and start living. I mean, first you’ve got to find one… you’ve got to accurately identify someone worthy of reverence and sacrifice. And then you need to cross your fingers, knit your brow, and dive in, hoping that he’ll be able to make some use of whatever you have on offer. I can attest that it can work out, but getting from A to Z becomes critically difficult, especially for girls having intense journeys; known limitations mean nothing, often provoking questions regarding sadistic tendencies unleashed; verifiably wasting… wasting… oh fuck it, I don’t know. Xylophones? Can you waste a xylophone?
Anyway, the point is… it’s hard to stick the landing. Be very, very sure before you fling yourself in the air… you might end up on your ass, mumbling about xylophones.
For the record, deciding you’re more mature than everyone you know means two things:
- You’re surrounding yourself with people you don’t respect. Stop that.
- You are almost certainly on the verge of making a grossly immature decision.
Now, given that the primary decision facing you seems to involve picking a purpose in life, I’d counsel you to think long and hard about committing to the path of devotion. What you’re proposing is hot, and thrilling, and intense beyond belief… but also scary, and hard, and more difficult to put behind you than you can possibly imagine.
Which brings me to another thing… “empty and confused and ashamed” are all things that might suggest giving yourself over to a life of servitude and constraint, where the vacancies within you are filled by something grander than you. Or they might suggest looking deeper and finding your own bedrock beneath the cratered surface… perhaps all that emptiness you feel will ultimately amount to little more than a cluster of pockmarks on the grand thing within you.
Just… whatever you do, do it thoughtfully. Got it?