Hi✨ I would like to ask your opinion on something. My dom and I have been together for year and a half, most of our relationship has been online cuz we are from different cities and he has been dealing with a family situation. The thing is sex and sex play is on and off depending on everything going on in his life and I’m pretty okay with that but I have picked a pattern of his and I don’t think I like it.

I have seen that we have seasons, seasons we play hard and seasons we play less. When we play hard sometimes we do it for weeks or even months but then he suggest something that for me is a hard no, at least while we’re apart (is always the same thing) and I always suggest that we can try it in the future and that I’m not completely close to that, just that while we’re apart I don’t feel completely confortable. When he says that normally he suggests it 2 o 3 times more in very subtle way during the course of the week until I stop to explote. Then he says he’s never going to suggest it again and then the sex decreases until even if I ask for permission to touch myself he doesn’t really care so I stop asking for permission at all. And the the cycle starts again.

Yesterday was the day that I exploited cuz the particular punishment he suggested and even more for the lack of attention he was giving. Today I tried to have a very mature conversation about everything, we even completed an excel about kink compatibility. I said my part, he said his and for me I only said that I needed him to know me better to break me to the point were it was still safe for both of us, that I needed trust, confidence and devotion from his side so I could be fully submissive. He said he understood, that he will not suggest that again NEVER (so the cycle is complete) and that he didn’t like that I was telling him what and what not to do, and that he also didn’t like that we had to plan everything.

I don’t know, I don’t want to get through the cycle again, I’m just confused and really don’t know what to do.

FYI in the compatability test he has way more “hard no” than me, even in things I would really love to try but even with that, I would never push him.

So this time I don’t know that to do, I don’t know if I should encourage more difficult conversations and try to solve this and wait for him to return home for good. He’s going to return in one month (his family situation is finally solved). Or just give up all together. I know I’m no perfect and he’s not perfect either but he always tries his best, he does research for me to feel more confortable, he always cares for me and he’s always super respectful and in full control of himself. He always is, apart from this particular kink. So I really don’t know what to do.

Any suggestions? I know this is way too much to ask

If you haven’t given him an opportunity to see and consider the pattern you’ve uncovered, then I feel like you should go the “difficult conversations” route. I mean, there are many signs of incompatibility here, so I’m not confident that talking is going to fix anything… but you’ll feel better about the decision to give up if you’ve ticked all the communicative boxes.

With that said:

I don’t want to project my personality and approach on to your guy, which just isn’t fair to either of you. But I’ve gotta say, this whole “I wanna do X… oh. No? How about now…? Really? I’ll bet you couldn’t do it correctly anyway, but… wow, thought that would work. What if I wear a funny hat while we— still no, huh? Okay then, behold as I selflessly and permanently abandon this thoroughly rejected idea until the next time I’m horny” thing is some real Little League nonsense, and both of you should expect more of him.

Let’s put aside the badgering and coercive vibes that everyone else on Tumblr will point out. Instead, I want to know where his goddamned pride has gone, and why both of you are okay with it disappearing.

Why the fuck is he repeatedly trying to pressure you into anything? He is —in theory— the leader of this two-person expedition, and leaders don’t nag or pout. Instead of wasting time trying to pester you into compliance, he could be showing you why he deserves to hear you beg for it.

It’s not your job to be the kind of girl who always agrees; it’s his job to be the kind of man you’d never refuse.