Hi sir. I hope you’re well. I need some advice if you have time to listen. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years and we’ve lived together for 2. About a year ago I went through his photos (wrong of me I know) and saw that he was taking photos of me naked while I was sleeping and didn’t know. I brought it up to him and told him it made me feel uncomfortable but he’s more than welcome to take photos while I’m awake. I also send him naked photos all the time. He apologized and told me he wouldn’t do it again. Fast forward to now and I just went through his photos and saw that he’s been taking photos and videos of me while I’m sleeping again. Even worse, he’s been taking videos touching me while I’m asleep. This is particularly disturbing because I suffer from panic attacks and nightmares that usually cause me to wake up in a panic. He knows that a lot of my nightmares have to do with childhood trauma of being sexually abused and I’ve specifically asked him not to touch me while I’m sleeping because it often triggers nightmares/panic. What do I do? Do I bring it up to him? Because then I’ll be admitting I went through his photos again. But honestly I don’t feel very safe with him right now. I don’t even want to sleep by him anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Okay, first things first: going through his phone is indeed shitty of you. It demonstrates your lack of trust in him, and the absence of any faith in your relationship. At best, it’s a really bad habit that can turn toxic if you don’t break it at the first opportunity.
There. Have you been sufficiently reprimanded?
Good.
Now get the fuck away from him.
‘Cause one of the following is true:
- He doesn’t care about your bad dreams or the way his behavior makes you feel unsafe. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.
- He cares about your nightmares and vulnerability, and they excite him. It thrills him, knowing how this affects you. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.
- He doesn’t believe what you’ve told him about your history and issues, and thinks you’re being an overdramatic bitch about his fun. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.
If you look closely, you can probably spot the recurring theme there. You’ve caught him, explained your concerns, he apologized… and now, a year later, you’ve found that rather than stop, he’s actually escalated. He’s shown you what he values, and it ain’t you.
Remember, the world is full of girls who would love his kink… even the sneaky, creepy parts. It would thrill them to be molested and recorded in the night. Someone could give that to him at any time.
But he’d rather take it. And not from a normal girl, with a normal past and normal dreams. He’d rather take it from you.
Ask yourself why.
And then realize there’s no point in bringing it up to him. He knows he’s doing a shitty thing, and he knows how you feel. He has no explanation that will satisfy you. There are no assurances he can give you. The most he can do is bullshit you and play on your well-deserved but poorly-proportioned guilt until you shut up about it. For now.
In reality, short of setting up a Paranormal Activity camera at the foot of the bed and spending an hour a day fast forwarding through your sleep cycle in search of malfeasance, you will never trust him again. You’ll never relax around him. You’ll never have peace.
And c’mon kid… you deserve someone you can believe in.